You can't save me if you're drowning - Personal essay

The way in which we measure pain through subjective eyes, could be as small and insignificant as a singular raindrop. But in the depths of the waters, it's enough to drag you out to sea and cover you in darkness. There’s no brilliant or undeniable way to measure the pain that is as real to you as a gunshot is to me. All that matters is what we do when the water rises, fighting back against the current to place our feet firmly in the sand. In this day and age the idea and acceptance of Mental Health has clearly gotten better, but is it enough? We all judge whether we mean to or not and we all suffer in one way or another. Being human is the single most complicated thing in the world, we all have a battle on our hands. Be it the crippling anxiety of getting out of bed every morning to face a world that you don’t feel a part of, feeling that knot in your stomach every time something gets hard, difficult and hopeless, leaving you sinking slower and slower into the seabed. We face these things all the time whilst always trying to lend a hand to those we love and care about. We go above and beyond to be that shoulder for the people in our lives, but if you were drowning too, would you be able to save me? We often put aside our struggles to be strong for those significant characters in our lives, when in fact we are most helpful to them when we fight to become strong individuals, to be an even stronger team.

The fact of the matter is we are always stronger when we have the support and unconditional love of those we care about most. We feel the confidence to get up, we feel the love we never felt we deserved but they battle in the water with us. People with their own individual demons, battling their own insecurities are struggling to keep their heads above water as they reach out to lend a hand. We all need help at some point in our lives, but what if someone who is your rock, the one thing that can hold you up is just as broken as you are. We can’t do this crazy rollercoaster of a life alone we need a helping hand, we need a shoulder to cry on, we need a friend to rant at when things fall apart but we need to pay closer attention to those who are the one reason you can face the day, the one reason you even try. Those key figures in our lives might seem like they can conquer anything, but they might be struggling too. We hold each other up, we get each other out of the water, and we are there no matter what. That’s how we manage. We give each other strength and the unconditional love that you know they deserve, as you try to heal each other.

There’s no easy fix to anything worthwhile in life, not something you just cover up and put a piece of tape on to hold it all together. It’s a constant battle. We go through phases in our lives we never believe we can overcome, but a day goes by then two and we start to live through it. The day when no one struggles will be a day with no individuality. Our stories make us who we are, every scar, every imperfection, and the people in our lives love us for it. As a species we are a constant working progress, always trying to improve, always trying to make things easier. We are much more accepting of other people’s woes than we are of our own. We try everything to support them and offer reassurance, but never stop to offer ourselves the same courtesy. If you’re like me you’re your own worst critic, and we can make life very tough for ourselves. The point here is that we wouldn't dream to treat others in the same way. We deserve the compassion we give to others and we deserve the love, we sometimes don't believe we do. If only we could see ourselves the way we see the ones we love the most, if only we loved ourselves the same way. But life doesn't work that way. Everything is individual to you. It’s your perception that guides everything. Healing doesn't have a time limit, we all journey through life at different speeds, we all cope in different ways and we all have a very different relationship to pain. We spend time agonising over how we can help someone else but the truth is, they might not be ready to try. No one can say when the pain will stop and sometimes it never will. It's that reassurance that no matter how long they struggle and no matter how far they fall, if they need you will be there, to move forward together.

A few years ago I never left the house, I just couldn't bear to. The thought of having to publicly deal with anyone scared me senseless. Something as simple as handling coins to pay for a pint of milk was not an achievable goal. I built this small corner in my own world, cut off from everything I ever enjoyed, which wasn’t really living at all. I cut down my life into two sections, things I could do, and the things that I couldn’t. After a time your world gets smaller and smaller, and that’s no way to live. It’s an uphill battle that I’m sure I will face at many corners of my life, but for now I am in control. There are no boundaries to happiness so why shouldn't I live that way? The anxiety of everyday life can knock you sideways, showing absolutely no mercy. But when you get to a place in your life, that you never thought you could possibly reach, surely that’s a beautiful thing? I was lucky enough to meet someone who gave me the strength to get up every morning, the courage to try and the unconditional love if I was ever to fail. But the most important lesson is learning to be that rock for yourself, appreciating your qualities, accepting your flaws, and trying to be the best version of you that you possibly can. We need to help ourselves out of the water by not being so damn hard on ourselves, by focusing on our best qualities, that the people around you love. Through accepting ourselves and being there for others humans can do incredible things. We get lost in the waves, so much so we accept the sadness in which we’ve become familiar, until we lose patience with this way of life, created out of the very things we wish to forget, and we get out of that water, together.